Joke # 4

A hippie gets on a bus and proceeds to sit across from a Nun in the front seat. Through her heavy headpiece he just spots a glimmer of her face. She's gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments cannot hide the fact she also has a truly phenomenal body. The hippie gets more and more excited until he finally approaches the nun and says, "Sister, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I'm very attracted to you. Can we get together some time?" The Nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop.

When the bus starts on its way the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "With your long hair and beard," said the bus driver "you could dress in white robes, tell her you're Jesus and command her to have sex with you."

Well the Hippie decides to try this out, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, wearing a hooded white robe. "I am the Son of God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first." The nun is flabbergasted but says she will concede to his wishes with one condition - she asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity.

The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about going to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his hood and shouts out, "Ha-ha, I'm the hippie!!" The nun replies by whipping off her hood and shouting, "Ha-ha, I'm the bus driver!!"

Joke #3

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, none of who could figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour's examination the physician came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news.

The bad news was that the pope had a rare disorder of the testicles, which if left untreated, would be fatal. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured, was to have sex.

Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation.

After some thought, the Pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions."

The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, "And what are the fourconditions?"

The room stilled. There was a long pause....

The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex."

"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex."

"And third, she must be mute so that if somehow she figures out with whom she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause a voice arose and asked,"

And the fourth condition?"

The Pope replied, "Big tits."

Russell Peters – Brown Clown

This Tuesday I was fortunate enough to catch Russell Peters at Place des Arts, the Indian-Canadian comedian whom I discovered some 5 years ago (though no one believes me). For you losers who don’t know, Russell Peters does a lot of racial-humour that is both insightful and delightful. His famous bits involves catchphrases and situations done in various accents, especially Indian and Chinese. The Asian culture is incredibly pervasive in Canada, though until recently we have lacked any real advocates or social figures to popularize it. Russell Peters’ anecdotal comedy is immediately relatable and familiar to his audience and his popularity stems from his ability to communicate specific cultural stereotypes universally, and, of course,
hilariously.


Some of his best standup material includes:
“Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad!”
“Thirty-four-fifty”
“Be a man”
“!Xobile”
“Paaaint”

Russell Peters’ self-deprecating humour is akin to an Italian comic making fun of the Mafia, or a Black comic ridiculing Gangstas. He is unique, however, in that as an Indian he is politically if not socially allowed to explore all other cultural stereotypes. Whereas most people couldn’t imagine Chris Rock making fun of Jews, Russell Peters’ comedy can be much more fluid. From the Chinese to Africans, from the Greeks to Latinos, Russell Peters uses his ethnicity as a passport to make comedic visits on any other nationality. And not only can he get away with it, he’s funny.

Unfortunately, Tuesday’s show wasn’t a sample of his best material. He did a lot of improv by asking audience members where they were from and developing bits from that, but there were precious few personal stories and anecdotes involving himself. No talking about his trips to South Africa or discipline from his father or negotiating the price of a purse with a Chinese guy. Just some general ethnically-centered comments, a few comments on how Indians are cheap, and some edgy Arab wisecracks. Don’t get me wrong; he’s still the best comic around. But I believe that all Indian parents will agree with me when I say Russell should stick to his roots.

Joke #2

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.

The two Englishmen just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."

"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Joke #1

There's this young single guy on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink.

Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote, deserted island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful, "My God, you saved my life!"

He suddenly realizes the woman is Angelina Jolie!

Days and weeks go by. Angelina and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Angelina has fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life
together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Angie, there is. Would you mind, um, putting on my shirt?"

"Uh, sure," she says, "if this will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.

"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.

"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.

"Um, OK, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.

"Whatever you want, honey," she says, and does.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up halfway around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the
shoulders, and says,

"Dude! You'll never believe who I'm banging!"