Joke #3

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, none of who could figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour's examination the physician came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news.

The bad news was that the pope had a rare disorder of the testicles, which if left untreated, would be fatal. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured, was to have sex.

Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation.

After some thought, the Pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions."

The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, "And what are the fourconditions?"

The room stilled. There was a long pause....

The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex."

"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex."

"And third, she must be mute so that if somehow she figures out with whom she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause a voice arose and asked,"

And the fourth condition?"

The Pope replied, "Big tits."

You Can’t Spell Russian without “Us”

If there’s anything better than getting pissed with good friends and having nothing to do the next day, I don’t want to know about it. The Russians invaded the West Island with a fury and brought a little Eastern Euro flair into the mix. We had an accent competition with one guy boasting of his talent to mimic diverse dialects and inflections – they all sounded the same to me, dude. I’m itchin’ to try out my new Russian stock phrases at these Russian club parties I’ve heard of, which sound incredibly exciting. I figure I’ll either get beaten up or go home with a mail-order bride someone left at the post office.

Andre, showcasing his trademark generosity, flashed us a provocative one-tenth of his ball (I call it a testy tithe). If you think that was bad, he then wanted to charge us for that freak show. All I have to say is that there was a little too much Cheese and not enough Pork for me to fork over some cash.

The rest of the night gets a bit hazy. I remember singing, and someone breaking my necklace, and doing vodka shots, and then seeing myself on TV. Maybe Andre and I could start our own show, “Peep my Balls”.

Nah. We’d probably only get viewers Back in the USSR.

Dawson Shooting - Take Your World Back

On Wednesday, September 13, one man decided to give us all another reason to fear this world.

He entered Dawson Cegep brandishing a machine gun, shooting some 20 people and killing Anastasia DeSousa. Police came and wounded him in the arm. He then shot himself in the head.

She was 18.

Just think back to when you were 18. Try and remember what you were like. What you were worried about. How you looked at the world. Think about how you dressed, what movies you liked, what jokes made you laugh.

Now, look at yourself today. Big change, non?

Anastasia was 18. She’ll never change again.

I can't help but think about all the things she'll never get to do. Books she'll never read. Places she'll never visit. She might not yet have fallen in love.

A lot of people are focusing on the shooter. There is much examination and conjecture as to his motives, his goals, his childhood, even his drinking habits, and I understand why. If a tragedy can be rationalized, then it’s no longer a tragedy; it’s an anomaly. If extreme violence can be explained, then it can be controlled.

I don’t want to spend too much time discussing the shooter. Frankly, I don’t even want to provide him an acknowledgement by typing his name. To me, he is not a real person.

Every person has the potential to do violence. It’s a biologically, evolutionary and psychologically valid response to appropriate stimuli (fear, survival, etc.). But a civilized person can temper these urges. Through social doctrine or innate morality or sensitized intelligence or religion or whatever you want to call it, there’s a mechanism in each of us that says, “No. That’s too far.” We all make a conscious, deliberate choice to adhere to this, to control ourselves and process the world without succumbing to a base, primordial compulsion.

The shooter did not. Oh, he may have had a rough childhood. He may have had no friends. Girls could’ve rejected him, his football team might have lost and maybe somebody made fun of him because he spoke with a lisp. I don’t care. He has forfeited his claim to humanity. He gave up. He made a choice. He said, “No. That’s not far enough.”

To give up on this world, to consider yourself an outsider or a rebel is both extremely arrogant and extremely cowardly. This world is a good place. There are good people and good things in this world, and the civilized amongst us make every effort to better it by bettering ourselves. Every community, every city, every country is simply a reflection of the people living in it.

And now our community is suffering because of one man.

We are all victims. Our sanctity, our peace has been violated in the most disgusting way. Our world has been taken from us, and in it’s place we have fear and grief. But only if we let him.

Just as every civilized person makes a conscious choice to do evil, every victim can eventually make a choice whether or not to continue to be victimized.

It’s too soon now. There is still much hurt and anger in us and we must properly grieve before we can move on. But we will move on. We will take our sanctity back, we will reclaim our peace and we will never let anyone violate us again. We suffer, but can be comforted. We grieve, but we can take strength.

Anastasia was 18, and she’ll never change again. But this world is a good place, and that will never change either.

A New Laptop is Better Than Sex

Well obviously not, but it's a catchy title. Anyway, the rumours are true boys and girls; Sanjay has bought himself a brand new Toshiba 410 Notebook. It's perfect for staying mobile, updating blogs and making sure the porn industry maintains its high standards online. Actually, I like to think of it as the most expensive pen and paper I'll ever use. I never thought I'd be all into this technology stuff -- cell phones, iPods and now a latop. Next I'll get a flying car and a hot robot maid.

Russell Peters – Brown Clown

This Tuesday I was fortunate enough to catch Russell Peters at Place des Arts, the Indian-Canadian comedian whom I discovered some 5 years ago (though no one believes me). For you losers who don’t know, Russell Peters does a lot of racial-humour that is both insightful and delightful. His famous bits involves catchphrases and situations done in various accents, especially Indian and Chinese. The Asian culture is incredibly pervasive in Canada, though until recently we have lacked any real advocates or social figures to popularize it. Russell Peters’ anecdotal comedy is immediately relatable and familiar to his audience and his popularity stems from his ability to communicate specific cultural stereotypes universally, and, of course,
hilariously.


Some of his best standup material includes:
“Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad!”
“Thirty-four-fifty”
“Be a man”
“!Xobile”
“Paaaint”

Russell Peters’ self-deprecating humour is akin to an Italian comic making fun of the Mafia, or a Black comic ridiculing Gangstas. He is unique, however, in that as an Indian he is politically if not socially allowed to explore all other cultural stereotypes. Whereas most people couldn’t imagine Chris Rock making fun of Jews, Russell Peters’ comedy can be much more fluid. From the Chinese to Africans, from the Greeks to Latinos, Russell Peters uses his ethnicity as a passport to make comedic visits on any other nationality. And not only can he get away with it, he’s funny.

Unfortunately, Tuesday’s show wasn’t a sample of his best material. He did a lot of improv by asking audience members where they were from and developing bits from that, but there were precious few personal stories and anecdotes involving himself. No talking about his trips to South Africa or discipline from his father or negotiating the price of a purse with a Chinese guy. Just some general ethnically-centered comments, a few comments on how Indians are cheap, and some edgy Arab wisecracks. Don’t get me wrong; he’s still the best comic around. But I believe that all Indian parents will agree with me when I say Russell should stick to his roots.