England: A World Cup Retrospective

"If it wasn't for the English, we'd be Krauts"


Well, if it wasn't for certain ill-performing Englishmen and one mad Swede, we'd have made it at least to the semi-finals. What's that line in that poem? The world shall end not in a bang, but in a whimper? Sounds like a candidate to replace "Rule Britania". Here's my list of the key players in the spectacle that was England.

Wayne Rooney: Good man, a bit hot-tempered, but it's that passion and ferocity that make him such a great player. He's quick when necessary, skillful with his feet, and he intimidates the hell out of opposing players thanks to the wonderful English PR machine. Also, he's a huge boost to the England squad, and players perform noticeably better when Rooney's on the pitch. Yes, I saw him step on that Portuguese guy's balls too. It was an accident people!! How many of you can deliberately step on something as small as human testicles by taking 3 steps backwards? He got the Red Card for pushing Ronaldo, but let's take a few things into consideration.

1 - Ronaldo and Rooney are teammates, and have gotten along fairly well previously
2 - Ronaldo is a known diver, faker, cry-baby and male-diva
3 - Ronaldo got involved between Rooney and the official, having no right or business to do so
4 - No English Footballer would ever take a dive. Ever.

Not only do their coaches abhor it, the fans would never allow them to. Decide for yourself - watch a replay of the incident here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylMqeyMgsxs&search=roo%20vs%20ron

Clearly, clearly, Ronaldo is just being an asshole. Ok, yes, Rooney shouldn't have pushed him but anyone who claims Rooney is the bigger agressor is as blind as an Argentian ref.

To prove it's not just us England fans who hate Ronaldo, visit this site devoted exclusively to telling the world of Ronaldo's iniquities
http://www.ihateronaldo.com/


Frank Lampard: 31 goal attempts. 0 goals. Frankie, you can make all the grimaces you like. You can wring your hair, stomp the ground, blame the field and the German lawn-mowers. You can even say it's the fault of Posh and the other WAGs (wives and girlfriends) but at one point, your fans aren't just going to buy it anymore. Be a man, stand up and say, "Mea Culpa". You're an Englishman, take your lumps.



Steven Gerrard: My personal favourite player for many years now, best player on the squad and certain to be the next Captain of England. Great player, great motivator, great attitude, great talent. Probably the best mid-fielder in the world (now that Zidane has retired and if we don't count Ronaldinho), this man can do anything. Doesn't seek the limelight, doesn't go pissing money away and sleeping with the soccer hoes -- he just plays like he's a 10 yr old kid on the street. Has been playing with Liverpool (my team) for years and is their star player, even when Michael Owen was there. Watch him and enjoy.


David Beckham: I really don't know what it's like to be a superstar whom a an entire country depends, focuses and demands so much from. The pressure must be phemenmenal, and Beckham himself must have felt very lonely and isolated as the figurative representative of a Footballing nation's dream. That being said, I don't know what it's like to make almost €100 million a year either, and then sleep with Posh Spice. One tends to lose much of one's sympathy when considering that fact.

The thing is, Becks didn't do too poorly. He was directly involved completely integral in 3 or 4 of England's goals. Ok, so he got tired. Ok, so he gave the media some shit excuses. Ok, he practically vomited on the field. He's David Beckham, not God. If you want the divine, forget sports and watch the rap stars thank Jesus at the Grammys. The reason why Becks is under so much heat (besides Posh), is that he really blew it in previous World and Euro cups. He missed two penalties in Portugal. He didn't inspire in South Korea. He got sent off in France. Plus, a lot of people are upset because he's set sail from Manchester and hangs his boots in Madrid these days. He's got a lot to prove and more to overcome. He's supposed to be a leader, a talisman, a superstar. In reality, he's just a guy. He's got cool hair and a wicked bend, but superstar? Remember, "lookin' pretty good, feelin' pretty good...but what's that weird smell?".

Peter Crouch: A lanky bean pole that, if born in any other country, would be either playing basketball, doing fetish porn, or working in construction. I've been laughing at Crouch for a full year now, as he plays for my league team (Liverpool) and he is simply too embarrassingly bad to take seriously. He can't hold the ball for more than 5 seconds, he doesn't get open, he doesn't create chances, and for someone who can smell the stratosphere, he's terrible in the air. Sometimes, I wonder if the Argentines or the French didn't bribe Erikson to include him on the squad...

Overall, England wasn't so much dispointing as boring. Their defense was either phenomenal or panicky. Their midfield was either fluid or disorganized. And their forwards might as well have been non-existant. Of all the England goals, only one was scored by a forward. And it was the Beckham cross that made it happen. England needs to tighten their defense, show their midfield how to play as a cohesive unit, and scout some new forwards ASAP. Someone who can play off Rooney's speed and strength. A cockney Thierry Henry would do quite nicely. But things are looking well. England's new manager will probably stick to the tried and tested 4-4-2 formation. We got a new captain. And Rooney's foot should be hopping mad to get into play.

In fact, the only downside is that the WAGs have to stay home...